Kill these Christmas Songs.

+++A Very Special Lucha Buddha Christmas Entry+++

Every year starting on the day after Halloween, Jamie and I begin to obsessively check B 101.1 to see if they started playing Christmas tunes yet. Fortunately every year it seems to get earlier, perhaps they should really just start spinning them on November 1st. These timeless songs that play over and over again each year are a crucial element to the season and if you ever come across someone who spits some blasphemer such as "I hate Christmas music" you're legally permitted to smack them lightly in the mouth.

I love it all from Nat King Cole to Jimmy Eat World.

With that being said though, there are always exceptions. Now I hate to put down any Christmas song and it truly hurts my soul to do...but even on a cold December night, when you're dizzy off some homemade wine and you got The Best Christmas Ever on the stereo, occasionally one of those songs come on that make you seriously consider throwing Wu-Tang back in. Here they are...


Little Saint Nick - The Beach Boys
Needless to say The Beach Boys are the bomb, Jamie and I had our first dance as a married couple to their classic God Only Knows. But what the hell are they blabbing about in this? I've heard this song my entire life and from my first memory of it I couldn't tell you what the idea is here. Are they stating that Santa is little? Because there is a whole mythology out there that tells us the direct opposite, Saint Nick is not little. In fact he's the direct opposite, a fat bastard.

And why are they singing lyrics like"Run Run Reindeer" and "Merry Christmas Santa" in the same breath, with no rhyme or reason at all? Is this a message to Santa? A song about reindeer? Does Saint Nick really sport "goggles" when he's delivering presents? At times my wife and others will try informing me at some point in the song they say that Santa's sled is actually the Little Saint Nick, but at that point my head hurts and I'm irritated. Really? An omnipresent wizard couldn't come up with a better name for his sled then his own with little in front of it? It's bigger then him. That's like me buying a yacht and calling it Little Michael, I could see maybe if it was a toaster oven or something, but even then something a bit more creative would suffice.

Blue Christmas - Elvis Presley
Do we really need Elvis with his drunken, Southern drawl giving us a damn color lesson on Christmas? Decorations of red, trees of green, Christmases of white, and of course his blllluuueee memories, the blllluuueee snow flakes falling, he has some Blllluuueee drink in his cup as he's watching Mr. Perfect wrestle the Blllluuuee Blazer on the WWE 24/7.

ANYTHING BY THE CARPENTERS

No explanation neccessary here, just listen to a song, any song.

A Soldier's Silent Night
I do like the overall sentiment of this one, I just hate the way it's delivered. Specifically, why does Santa Claus sound like he's just stumbled out of the Ol' North Pole Pub, breath stinking of Whiskey Sours and now he's so intoxicated, he's barely capable of reading the poem written down in front of him?

I just don't know, perhaps some things just don't mix. Like for instance feel good Christmas music and honoring our troops. We dance and mingle and kiss under the mistletoe to Sinatra and Crosby and even Mariah Carey. And then maybe we finish off the evening with a nightcap and sit around the kitchen table to discuss the trials of the world, war and such.

Also, maybe if the GOP stopped voting against stuff like benefits for our veterans Santa wouldn't have to come across solders sleeping lonely in dilapidated shacks. But I digress.

Finally the worst of the bunch...

Christmas Shoes - Newsong
Now before anyone thinks of me as a heartless bastard for including this one, I want you to drop your preconceived notions about the song and let me learn ya on something.

Do we live in such an age of mindless consumerism that a song can be written about a poor kid spending what could be that last few hours his mother has on the planet, running around trying to buy a pair of shoes? While he could be at her bedside? And because of the overly cheesy delivery of the song, including romantic lyrics about Heaven and signs from God, to the kid singing at the end, all the way to the TV movie and novel that actually spawned from the song...people let this stuff affect them in some personal way?

No, the song may actually state "this is what Christmas is all about" but it's precisely what Christmas is not supposed to be about. If Christmas wasn't about spending your last dime on presents that will be forgotten about in a week, then the kid in the song wouldn't have had it in his mind that his mother needed those shoes desperately or things just wouldn't be right in the world. People need people on Christmas, not iphones or Xboxes or purses or shoes. While those things are all great and add to the overall enjoyment of the Holidays, it doesn't make them.

If I were a respectable artist I would remake this song complete with more worldly, all religion friendly lyrics, not just specifically for the Jesus freaks, perhaps do the unthinkable and make it spiritual but secular (oooh scary). And I would rewrite it to open up with the kid working three jobs to buy his mom some new shoes, she falls ill, he forgets about the shoes, stays by her side when she passes and then donates the money he earned to cancer research.

"Back in my day..."

In a few days I will be attending my ten year high school reunion, which I'm sure will be splendid evening once everyone has had enough to drink and start to mingle about the room. I've actually found myself thinking back very fondly on my class. The Class of 2000, sounds very dramatic, and in a way it kind of is. That year was right around the time of great shifts. Shifts in popular culture, technology and because of what would happen on September 11th one year later, politics. In general life in America was changing.

Recently I started substitute teaching so I've been fortunate enough (or unfortunate, depending on who you talk to) to catch a good glimpse into the lives of high school kids in 2010. I actually caught myself in conversation with a student using phrases that I've never actually thought I would legitimately use, just facetiously use while imitating wack grown ups. I heard myself saying things like "when I was in school" and "back in my day".

Back in my day? Really? Is a decade really that long? I guess the answer would be yes.

Everything from the obvious technological advancements, like a baker's dozen or more computers in every single class room, opposed to our one "computer lab" which wasn't really a lab at all just a class room like any other, except filled with dusty, hulking space computers. To the mundane, like the fact that the guys seems to have an unspoken contest going on to see who can wear the jeans closest resembling those of a female. I'm talking tight here, real tight.

No one spat in the wind or pulled on Superman's cape and the guys wore baggy jeans and left the hip-huggers to the ladies. The stars were aligned, this was the correct order of things. I don't know, I hate to think it but perhaps I'm becoming old fashioned.

Really it's the explosion of the Internet, more specifically the net's most popular sites. We all know what they are, you're probably reading this on one of them right now. So in a way my generation is keeping up, we're hip to some of it but we aren't totally entrenched in it. Everything is streamlined, everything is viral. These kids basically have endless amounts of information and communication with everyone they know literally in their fingertips. They were born into it. Can't blame them.

They know a world of no payphones, no paperback TV guides, no Encyclopedia Britannica to help them with a book report. They don't have to watch their teacher write note after note on a green chalkboard with actual chalk, they have PowerPoint presentations.

To take a cellphone away from a teenager these days is like disconnecting them from the only world they know. They are all little Neos, they are actually living in The Matrix. I hate to come off bitter and I hope this doesn't sound a diatribe against kids or anything like that.

Because in reality we all like to text when talking is just too exhausting. We all have Facebook pages. I don't think you can find someone of any age that wouldn't rather press one button and tape, I'm sorry DVR, a show rather then fiddle with clunky a VCR and VHS tapes. Technology, while it may be destroying the way we communicate and make friends, has made life a bit simpler, I will say that.

However, no matter how I dress or carry myself, or how many notions about being "the cool substitute" cross my mind. And even though I consider myself pretty up on popular culture and my worldview is probably closer to that of an intelligent, progressive minded 18 year old rather then a jaded, cankerous 70 year old. In the end it makes no difference to the kids. There's an intangible element at play here, it constantly divides us and them and I believe I've finally gotten to the age where our senses almost pick it up.

Come Friday night I will take comfort in the fact that I'm in a room full of people that probably feel the same way. No social structures, no beefs. Just a bunch of almost 30 years olds enjoying buffet food and cocktails.

Actually catching up, not just friend requesting each other.

The Ten Best Christmas Movies of our Generation

We have swiftly approached the most wonderful time of the year and what better way to start off A Very Special Lucha Buddha Christmas then with a list that I carefully made and checked twice. Now what I mean by "our generation" is that these are the movies we grew up with during the holidays, not our parents. So there will be no classics such as White Christmas, or It's A Wonderful Life or even Miracle on 34th Street (the sacrilegious remake qualifies but obviously doesn't make the cut)...

So sit back with a moose head full of Egg Nog, let the soft glow of a leg lamp ease your soul, and let's get this yule-tide soiree started right.

#10 DIE HARD

• Even on Christmas Eve, terrorists will do terrorist things. Unfortunately for Hans Gruber and his evil band of henchman they have picked the wrong skyscraper on this particular night. That is because one of the baddest men to ever walk the planet is there visiting his wife and he's pissed off. Unlike his peers Sly and Arnold, Bruce Willis was the everyman action star, which made us that much more sympathetic to his John McClane. Beneath the bloody scars and machine gun fire you get the feeling that all McClane wants to do is get his wife home, get in some reindeer pajamas and snuggle up under the mistletoe. He'll just have to brutally buzz saw through 115 floors of bad guys first.

#9 THE FAMILY MAN

• Sure it's a story we've all seen before, especially on Christmas. Through some mysterious magic (usually an angel of some kind) our leading man sees the error of his once selfish ways and gets the chance to ditch a lonely, self indulgent life for more of a traditional existence. Jack Campbell makes the wrong choice at the beginning of the film and leaves his girlfriend Kate in the lurch, their lives move on and Jack becomes a modern day scrooge. Then a supernatural Don Cheadle shows up and gives Jack a chance to do it all over again, only this time with screaming kids and infants peeing in his face. It could have come off corny and redundant but there are enough genuine laughs and a truly believable, lovable family that this one works.

#8 GREMLINS

• As kids we would wait all year for Christmas morning and that one special gift that we had on our list, but sometimes that particular gift would come dissembled, in 256 pieces and instructions that Stephen Hawking couldn't decipher. That wasn't the case for the "mogwai" that Billy Peltzer receives as a gift from dad. It was simple, three rules. Follow three simple rules and all 50's sci-fi movie hell wouldn't break loose. But one glass of water and a Corey Feldman appearance later and the folks in this movie fail miserably. "Gizmo" sprouts green, scaly creatures that frequent the neighborhood bar, enjoy watching Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and just generally bring the ruckus. The main lesson here is for dads. Don't buy mysterious creatures stuffed away in the back of antique shops in Chinatown, go with a dog or iPhone.

#7 SCROOGED

• We’ve seen Ebenezer Scrooge grimace and grumble in a seemingly infinite amount of movies and television adaptations. There are always important life lessons to be learned and warm gooey feelings to be felt in the belly. Never though, before or after this one, has A Christmas Carol been so damn funny. Made right in the middle of the immortally awesome Bill Murray’s run of flawless comedic performances, Scrooged is as dark, edgy and hilarious as it was twenty years ago. Murray never misses a step as ruthless TV executive Frank Cross, from the opening reel all the way up to the insanely hilarious finale, where he appears to not only have an awakening, but also a few seizures.

#6 A CHRISTMAS CAROL (1984)

• We can’t have a list of Christmas movies from any generation without including one of these, it just wouldn’t be proper. The majority of our parents and grandparents probably have a soft spot for the Alastair Sims version, our kids will probably look back fondly on the CGI Jim Carrey one, but if you’re like me and are true 80’s baby then you remember the wonderful George C. Scott humbugging his way into our hearts. Sure it was technically a made for TV version but that’s why it was hard to escape it back then. Every year it would play again and until I purchased it on DVD a few years back it may have made its way onto a Blockbuster Video’s worth of VHS tapes. Everything about this one is coated with Christmas magic, from the music, to the performances, to the convincing execution of the ghosts. And of course for my money there will never be a better Ebenezer Scrooge then Mr. George C. Scott.

#5 HOME ALONE

• We all know this John Hughes classic about the savvy Kevin McCallister laying a booby trap smackdown on a couple of bumbling burglars. What we tend to overlook is how damn cruel this kid’s family are to him. Not only do the parental figures let the other kids pick on him throughout the entire opening segment of the film, the uncle even joins in on the action. They call him everything from a little jerk to a disease, they don’t leave him any slices of plain pizza and they all gloat at the fact that he has to sleep with a kid that may or may not piss all over him in the middle of the night. Then to top it off they leave the poor bastard home alone. The large family is so preoccupied by the thought of prancing around Paris for the holidays they leave a damn ten year old back at the house to face off with frightening basements, next door neighbors understood to be axe murderers and the Wet Bandits. A true dark comedy and thanks to an eternally moving score and pretty damn brilliant performance by a young Macaulay Culkin, a Christmas classic.

#4 A CHRISTMAS STORY

• Before TBS took it into their hands to make everyone in the country simultaneously sick of this movie on Christmas Day, it was the holiday personified. Every inch of there is some classic happening taking place and lines could probably be recited by people 9 to 90. And when something becomes so imprinted into our collective conscience it’s easy to forget just how good it really is. Watch it again on your own, before there’s no choice on the 25^th.

#3 NATIONAL LAMPOON'S CHRISTMAS VACATION

• Easily the best of the Griswold clan’s escapades, this one sees Clark trying to give his family “a good old fashioned family Christmas”. Of course like most fathers Clark goes into it with the best of intentions but somewhere along the line he fumbles the vision and finds SWAT team members crashing through the windows of his house. From Cousin Eddie to Uncle Lewis, Clark must endure countless setbacks and we are lucky enough to watch all the hilarity unfold. With countless classic moments, the most genuinely funny Christmas movie ever made.

#2 THE FAMILY STONE

• There is rarely a more convincing family then the Stones in any movie, not just Christmas ones. This is a big, progressive clan of individual personalities that if you look deep enough you could find your own reflection in. They laugh, love and generally enjoy life and the attention to detail in this film is endlessly fascinating. The rhythm of the movie is like the family itself, it could be humorous one second, challenging the next and then can take a turn and be as moving as it gets. Along with number one on this list, this has become a staple of the holiday season for my Wife and me and as each Christmas comes and goes and our relatives inevitably get older, this movie’s true message becomes more and more prevalent. In the hustle and bustle of the holidays we tend to forget that it’s all about being with the ones we love. Sure it’s corny and cliche, but it’s the stone cold truth. Pardon the pun.

#1 LOVE ACTUALLY

• If a space alien came to us and wanted three films that captured the spirit of the season, I would probably give him/her It’s a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34^th Street and Love Actually. Every frame of this film is beaming with life and love and an unabashed fun that unfortunately only comes around but once a year. With a giant ensemble cast and one of those stories that bobs and weaves its way through a whole gang of interconnected characters, it could have easily became jumbled and hard to watch. Instead it’s the total opposite, freely flowing with music, laughs, believable love stories, and an unflinching desire to be totally un-corny and R rated but still somehow innocent and sweet. A movie that brazenly has everything from a countdown to Christmas day to a social commentary on the United States as a bully, none of which is ever forced or contrived. The movie has a subtle swelling underneath the surface that builds and builds at all times throughout, until it reaches its beautiful crescendo. Whenever you get gloomy about the state of the world, think about Christmas, think about that gal or guy in your life and think about love...because it actually is all around.

Big Fluffy Robe Style

As I type this I'm laying on my couch in a wonderfully cozy robe. Yes, this is new for me. I never actually wore a robe, for that matter I never really saw anyone in real life wear a robe. But now here I am in a mysterious fabric that could only have been sewn out of the mane of a magical lion...perhaps the one that talks and lives in Narnia.

My step brother in law bought my wife and I these dangerously comfortable garments as a wedding gift and I'm terribly embarrassed to say they hung in our bathroom for quite some time before we were intoxicated by their marshmallowy, billowy loveliness. They lured us in and we found ourselves prancing around our apartment one night, tap dancing on magical clouds and playing the forbidden flutes of relaxation. Bow to the robe, embrace them...they are our friends.

Also as a side note...the "snuggie" is utterly, unabashedly pointless...for it's only a robe on backwards. Really though...think about it.

And before anyone questions my manhood behold these three men as a testament to the greatness of our modern day cloaks with sleeves.

THE DUDE



TONY SOPRANO



GHOSTFACE KILLAH (funny hat optional)