I think I see Batman up there.

Check these out...vintage travel posters for comic book cities done by graphic designer Justin Van Genderen...you can buy them framed and all here. I may need the Gotham City one in my life.

5 Wonderfully Terrible Holiday Offenses

+++A Very Special Lucha Buddha Christmas Entry+++

Unfocused Christmas Decor


If you're going to take the time to freeze your ass off on a blustery, early December afternoon, you should probably take into consideration that this is still your place of residence, the place you live all year round. So while it's nice to let your inner six year old out during this time of year, it should never look like they've decorated your house.

My Wife and I have something of a little ritual every year. A few times during the season we get in the car, put on some Christmas tunes and drive around "admiring the lights". While this is somewhat true it should also be noted that in the half of decade worth of Christmases we have spent together, we have developed an unspoken grading system, yes we do in fact drive around and judge total strangers' outside Christmas displays (and a few people we know). We take points off for everything from mismatched lighting, to the lazy Spider-Man webbing lights on shrubbery, to enormous inflatable things (if done right, one may suffice...but if your lawn looks like at any moment the inflatable snowman brigade can overthrow your home, it could probably use some work).

So look at it this way. Besides your neighbors and other miscellaneous people that have to drive by your house every day, whether to work or the grocery store, there has to be other people like us. Silently snooping around, with our radios on low and heaters on high, with some Dunkin Donuts hot chocolate in our mittens, dropping you a letter grade because that one set of bushes has colored lights, while the rest of the house has white.

Wearing Ugly Christmas Sweaters Ironically


I'd like the Ghost of Christmas Past to take me back to that first hipster douche that decided to go in his attic, find that putrid sweater his Aunt bought for him when George H.W. was still in office, dust off the moth balls and actually incorporate it into his outfit for the night. Then I would build a time machine and go back to that moment (since I wouldn't be able to touch him when the Ghost of Christmas Past showed me him, but I digress) and stop him from doing so, perhaps with a swift kick to the skinny jeans. Because ever since that first jerk there has been a swelling of "Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties" at every office and apartment across America.

The parties themselves aren't that bad. I mean if you feel compelled to wear one at least do it to a theme party where everyone looks like an asshole. I'm talking about the person that will actually wear one to his or hers family Christmas Eve soiree this year. They'll stand there for a while uncomfortable as hell, while whatever unholy fabric it's made out of irritates the back of their neck, eventually discard it and be down to their old Sublime tee that they've used as an undershirt for many years. Said tee shirt will be complete with unfortunate yellow stains, and don't think for a second your whole family doesn't know where they came from.

I have incredible insight into this matter because I am actually the kind of guy that would do it, until I thought about it. My family already knows at this point that I'm a bit goofy, slightly eccentric. Do I really have to advertise it to these people that have known me my entire life by wearing a sweater with a puke green moose stitched into it? Probably not.

Preferring the Miracle on 34th Street Remake to the Original


Look at the child above, that is what you see before you die.

Seriously though while I've never actually met someone that likes the 1994 version better then the timeless original, I'm sure they exist. Like Native Americans or black Republicans. This is the prime example of a film that did not need a remake in any fashion whatsoever. Little Natalie Wood is eternally adorable and Edmund Gwenn is Santa. I'm sure of it. The remake may not even be a bad movie, but it's the equivalent of God thinking he should give a shot at a Creation redo, only to put our feet on backward and make our skin hot pink. I legitimately would rather them remake The Karate Kid and cast Will Smith's eleven year old son as a kung fu expert.

So do yourself a favor this year and give Elf a rest for the night, skip Accidental Christmas, or My Dog Saved Christmas, or whatever other mindless rubbish that the television is parading out there and put this movie on. Sure it's in black and white and you may have to borrow Grandmom's VCR, but it'll be worth your trouble.

Reindeer Ears on Cars


This one I've been seeing more and more this year and it truly is perplexing. I just don't get it. A car doesn't look remotely like a reindeer and stuffed antlers protruding out of the windows or a big red nose on the grill doesn't change a thing. It's not Rudolph, it's a car. It's an assortment of metal and wires and other complicated mechanisms. It was built on an assembly line to get us from point A to point B and systematically destroy Mother Earth.

We already talked about outside decorations and if you want to clutter your living room with Yule-Tide disarray, by all means go for it. But what is this a traveling circus of bad taste now? It's bad enough that someone could be in a rush and stopped at a red light, or bumper to bumper in Holiday mall traffic but we now have to deal with the offspring of an Accord and Prancer pulling up and taunting us.

And that's not even the worst use of artificial caribou attire...

Antlers on Pets


Year after year my Mother makes it a necessity to burden our Westie Duffy with not only what I can imagine to be a restricting, terribly uncomfortable doggy sweater but also some type of head garment.It doesn't matter if it's antlers or something else, elf ears for example, the costume always comes equipped with that dangerously sharp band that goes under the dog's muzzle. That's the only way they sorta stay on. With no fail though Duffy always, after painfully parading around the family for a few seconds, strategically finds a way to sneak off and unceremoniously remove the headpiece with his paws. He'll then chew on it for a bit, venting frustrations I'm sure, until Ma takes it from him and shoves it in the cabinet above the washer. The graveyard of barely used dog costumes.

My Mother is most definitely not alone and for a country that is still so up in arms about Michael Vick you would ponder why we still feel the need as the superior species to put our dogs and cats through this type of torture and humiliation.

If our pets could talk I can guarantee without the shadow of a doubt they would say something along the lines of...

"Come any closer with those elf ears and I swear I'm scratching your face off" Cat

or

"If you put those antlers on me I'm going to try my best to shit in the roast." Dog

But since they can't talk I'm sure come Christmas there will be pets all over silently weeping as a gathering of drunken humans laugh and say "Awwwwww" but really mean "Hmph, I dunno, that kinda seems uncomfortable."

Reincarnation?

30 years ago today the world lost John Lennon.
Exactly one year later they gained this guy.

Coincidence? Transmigration of the soul? You be the judge.

"If someone thinks that love and peace is a cliche that must have been left behind in the sixties, that's his problem. Love and peace are eternal."

John Winston Oko Lennon
October 9th, 1940 - December 8th, 1980

New Music!

LISTEN OR DOWNLOAD

We Are Not Alone.

"This finding of an alternative biochemistry makeup will alter biology textbooks and expand the scope of the search for life beyond Earth." - NASA

YIKES!...it's on now....

Kill these Christmas Songs.

+++A Very Special Lucha Buddha Christmas Entry+++

Every year starting on the day after Halloween, Jamie and I begin to obsessively check B 101.1 to see if they started playing Christmas tunes yet. Fortunately every year it seems to get earlier, perhaps they should really just start spinning them on November 1st. These timeless songs that play over and over again each year are a crucial element to the season and if you ever come across someone who spits some blasphemer such as "I hate Christmas music" you're legally permitted to smack them lightly in the mouth.

I love it all from Nat King Cole to Jimmy Eat World.

With that being said though, there are always exceptions. Now I hate to put down any Christmas song and it truly hurts my soul to do...but even on a cold December night, when you're dizzy off some homemade wine and you got The Best Christmas Ever on the stereo, occasionally one of those songs come on that make you seriously consider throwing Wu-Tang back in. Here they are...


Little Saint Nick - The Beach Boys
Needless to say The Beach Boys are the bomb, Jamie and I had our first dance as a married couple to their classic God Only Knows. But what the hell are they blabbing about in this? I've heard this song my entire life and from my first memory of it I couldn't tell you what the idea is here. Are they stating that Santa is little? Because there is a whole mythology out there that tells us the direct opposite, Saint Nick is not little. In fact he's the direct opposite, a fat bastard.

And why are they singing lyrics like"Run Run Reindeer" and "Merry Christmas Santa" in the same breath, with no rhyme or reason at all? Is this a message to Santa? A song about reindeer? Does Saint Nick really sport "goggles" when he's delivering presents? At times my wife and others will try informing me at some point in the song they say that Santa's sled is actually the Little Saint Nick, but at that point my head hurts and I'm irritated. Really? An omnipresent wizard couldn't come up with a better name for his sled then his own with little in front of it? It's bigger then him. That's like me buying a yacht and calling it Little Michael, I could see maybe if it was a toaster oven or something, but even then something a bit more creative would suffice.

Blue Christmas - Elvis Presley
Do we really need Elvis with his drunken, Southern drawl giving us a damn color lesson on Christmas? Decorations of red, trees of green, Christmases of white, and of course his blllluuueee memories, the blllluuueee snow flakes falling, he has some Blllluuueee drink in his cup as he's watching Mr. Perfect wrestle the Blllluuuee Blazer on the WWE 24/7.

ANYTHING BY THE CARPENTERS

No explanation neccessary here, just listen to a song, any song.

A Soldier's Silent Night
I do like the overall sentiment of this one, I just hate the way it's delivered. Specifically, why does Santa Claus sound like he's just stumbled out of the Ol' North Pole Pub, breath stinking of Whiskey Sours and now he's so intoxicated, he's barely capable of reading the poem written down in front of him?

I just don't know, perhaps some things just don't mix. Like for instance feel good Christmas music and honoring our troops. We dance and mingle and kiss under the mistletoe to Sinatra and Crosby and even Mariah Carey. And then maybe we finish off the evening with a nightcap and sit around the kitchen table to discuss the trials of the world, war and such.

Also, maybe if the GOP stopped voting against stuff like benefits for our veterans Santa wouldn't have to come across solders sleeping lonely in dilapidated shacks. But I digress.

Finally the worst of the bunch...

Christmas Shoes - Newsong
Now before anyone thinks of me as a heartless bastard for including this one, I want you to drop your preconceived notions about the song and let me learn ya on something.

Do we live in such an age of mindless consumerism that a song can be written about a poor kid spending what could be that last few hours his mother has on the planet, running around trying to buy a pair of shoes? While he could be at her bedside? And because of the overly cheesy delivery of the song, including romantic lyrics about Heaven and signs from God, to the kid singing at the end, all the way to the TV movie and novel that actually spawned from the song...people let this stuff affect them in some personal way?

No, the song may actually state "this is what Christmas is all about" but it's precisely what Christmas is not supposed to be about. If Christmas wasn't about spending your last dime on presents that will be forgotten about in a week, then the kid in the song wouldn't have had it in his mind that his mother needed those shoes desperately or things just wouldn't be right in the world. People need people on Christmas, not iphones or Xboxes or purses or shoes. While those things are all great and add to the overall enjoyment of the Holidays, it doesn't make them.

If I were a respectable artist I would remake this song complete with more worldly, all religion friendly lyrics, not just specifically for the Jesus freaks, perhaps do the unthinkable and make it spiritual but secular (oooh scary). And I would rewrite it to open up with the kid working three jobs to buy his mom some new shoes, she falls ill, he forgets about the shoes, stays by her side when she passes and then donates the money he earned to cancer research.

"Back in my day..."

In a few days I will be attending my ten year high school reunion, which I'm sure will be splendid evening once everyone has had enough to drink and start to mingle about the room. I've actually found myself thinking back very fondly on my class. The Class of 2000, sounds very dramatic, and in a way it kind of is. That year was right around the time of great shifts. Shifts in popular culture, technology and because of what would happen on September 11th one year later, politics. In general life in America was changing.

Recently I started substitute teaching so I've been fortunate enough (or unfortunate, depending on who you talk to) to catch a good glimpse into the lives of high school kids in 2010. I actually caught myself in conversation with a student using phrases that I've never actually thought I would legitimately use, just facetiously use while imitating wack grown ups. I heard myself saying things like "when I was in school" and "back in my day".

Back in my day? Really? Is a decade really that long? I guess the answer would be yes.

Everything from the obvious technological advancements, like a baker's dozen or more computers in every single class room, opposed to our one "computer lab" which wasn't really a lab at all just a class room like any other, except filled with dusty, hulking space computers. To the mundane, like the fact that the guys seems to have an unspoken contest going on to see who can wear the jeans closest resembling those of a female. I'm talking tight here, real tight.

No one spat in the wind or pulled on Superman's cape and the guys wore baggy jeans and left the hip-huggers to the ladies. The stars were aligned, this was the correct order of things. I don't know, I hate to think it but perhaps I'm becoming old fashioned.

Really it's the explosion of the Internet, more specifically the net's most popular sites. We all know what they are, you're probably reading this on one of them right now. So in a way my generation is keeping up, we're hip to some of it but we aren't totally entrenched in it. Everything is streamlined, everything is viral. These kids basically have endless amounts of information and communication with everyone they know literally in their fingertips. They were born into it. Can't blame them.

They know a world of no payphones, no paperback TV guides, no Encyclopedia Britannica to help them with a book report. They don't have to watch their teacher write note after note on a green chalkboard with actual chalk, they have PowerPoint presentations.

To take a cellphone away from a teenager these days is like disconnecting them from the only world they know. They are all little Neos, they are actually living in The Matrix. I hate to come off bitter and I hope this doesn't sound a diatribe against kids or anything like that.

Because in reality we all like to text when talking is just too exhausting. We all have Facebook pages. I don't think you can find someone of any age that wouldn't rather press one button and tape, I'm sorry DVR, a show rather then fiddle with clunky a VCR and VHS tapes. Technology, while it may be destroying the way we communicate and make friends, has made life a bit simpler, I will say that.

However, no matter how I dress or carry myself, or how many notions about being "the cool substitute" cross my mind. And even though I consider myself pretty up on popular culture and my worldview is probably closer to that of an intelligent, progressive minded 18 year old rather then a jaded, cankerous 70 year old. In the end it makes no difference to the kids. There's an intangible element at play here, it constantly divides us and them and I believe I've finally gotten to the age where our senses almost pick it up.

Come Friday night I will take comfort in the fact that I'm in a room full of people that probably feel the same way. No social structures, no beefs. Just a bunch of almost 30 years olds enjoying buffet food and cocktails.

Actually catching up, not just friend requesting each other.