+++A Very Special Lucha Buddha Christmas Entry+++Unfocused Christmas Decor
If you're going to take the time to freeze your ass off on a blustery, early December afternoon, you should probably take into consideration that this is still your place of residence, the place you live all year round. So while it's nice to let your inner six year old out during this time of year, it should never look like they've decorated your house.
My Wife and I have something of a little ritual every year. A few times during the season we get in the car, put on some Christmas tunes and drive around "admiring the lights". While this is somewhat true it should also be noted that in the half of decade worth of Christmases we have spent together, we have developed an unspoken grading system, yes we do in fact drive around and judge total strangers' outside Christmas displays (and a few people we know). We take points off for everything from mismatched lighting, to the lazy Spider-Man webbing lights on shrubbery, to enormous inflatable things (if done right, one may suffice...but if your lawn looks like at any moment the inflatable snowman brigade can overthrow your home, it could probably use some work).
So look at it this way. Besides your neighbors and other miscellaneous people that have to drive by your house every day, whether to work or the grocery store, there has to be other people like us. Silently snooping around, with our radios on low and heaters on high, with some Dunkin Donuts hot chocolate in our mittens, dropping you a letter grade because that one set of bushes has colored lights, while the rest of the house has white.
Wearing Ugly Christmas Sweaters Ironically
I'd like the Ghost of Christmas Past to take me back to that first hipster douche that decided to go in his attic, find that putrid sweater his Aunt bought for him when George H.W. was still in office, dust off the moth balls and actually incorporate it into his outfit for the night. Then I would build a time machine and go back to that moment (since I wouldn't be able to touch him when the Ghost of Christmas Past showed me him, but I digress) and stop him from doing so, perhaps with a swift kick to the skinny jeans. Because ever since that first jerk there has been a swelling of "Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties" at every office and apartment across America.
The parties themselves aren't that bad. I mean if you feel compelled to wear one at least do it to a theme party where everyone looks like an asshole. I'm talking about the person that will actually wear one to his or hers family Christmas Eve soiree this year. They'll stand there for a while uncomfortable as hell, while whatever unholy fabric it's made out of irritates the back of their neck, eventually discard it and be down to their old Sublime tee that they've used as an undershirt for many years. Said tee shirt will be complete with unfortunate yellow stains, and don't think for a second your whole family doesn't know where they came from.
I have incredible insight into this matter because I am actually the kind of guy that would do it, until I thought about it. My family already knows at this point that I'm a bit goofy, slightly eccentric. Do I really have to advertise it to these people that have known me my entire life by wearing a sweater with a puke green moose stitched into it? Probably not.
Preferring the Miracle on 34th Street Remake to the Original
Look at the child above, that is what you see before you die.
Seriously though while I've never actually met someone that likes the 1994 version better then the timeless original, I'm sure they exist. Like Native Americans or black Republicans. This is the prime example of a film that did not need a remake in any fashion whatsoever. Little Natalie Wood is eternally adorable and Edmund Gwenn is Santa. I'm sure of it. The remake may not even be a bad movie, but it's the equivalent of God thinking he should give a shot at a Creation redo, only to put our feet on backward and make our skin hot pink. I legitimately would rather them remake The Karate Kid and cast Will Smith's eleven year old son as a kung fu expert.
So do yourself a favor this year and give Elf a rest for the night, skip Accidental Christmas, or My Dog Saved Christmas, or whatever other mindless rubbish that the television is parading out there and put this movie on. Sure it's in black and white and you may have to borrow Grandmom's VCR, but it'll be worth your trouble.
Reindeer Ears on Cars
This one I've been seeing more and more this year and it truly is perplexing. I just don't get it. A car doesn't look remotely like a reindeer and stuffed antlers protruding out of the windows or a big red nose on the grill doesn't change a thing. It's not Rudolph, it's a car. It's an assortment of metal and wires and other complicated mechanisms. It was built on an assembly line to get us from point A to point B and systematically destroy Mother Earth.
We already talked about outside decorations and if you want to clutter your living room with Yule-Tide disarray, by all means go for it. But what is this a traveling circus of bad taste now? It's bad enough that someone could be in a rush and stopped at a red light, or bumper to bumper in Holiday mall traffic but we now have to deal with the offspring of an Accord and Prancer pulling up and taunting us.
And that's not even the worst use of artificial caribou attire...
Antlers on Pets
Year after year my Mother makes it a necessity to burden our Westie Duffy with not only what I can imagine to be a restricting, terribly uncomfortable doggy sweater but also some type of head garment.It doesn't matter if it's antlers or something else, elf ears for example, the costume always comes equipped with that dangerously sharp band that goes under the dog's muzzle. That's the only way they sorta stay on. With no fail though Duffy always, after painfully parading around the family for a few seconds, strategically finds a way to sneak off and unceremoniously remove the headpiece with his paws. He'll then chew on it for a bit, venting frustrations I'm sure, until Ma takes it from him and shoves it in the cabinet above the washer. The graveyard of barely used dog costumes.
My Mother is most definitely not alone and for a country that is still so up in arms about Michael Vick you would ponder why we still feel the need as the superior species to put our dogs and cats through this type of torture and humiliation.
If our pets could talk I can guarantee without the shadow of a doubt they would say something along the lines of...
"Come any closer with those elf ears and I swear I'm scratching your face off" Cat
or
"If you put those antlers on me I'm going to try my best to shit in the roast." Dog
But since they can't talk I'm sure come Christmas there will be pets all over silently weeping as a gathering of drunken humans laugh and say "Awwwwww" but really mean "Hmph, I dunno, that kinda seems uncomfortable."
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